If I were a rich man

I'm almost totally broke. Destitute, impoverished. I had to give $160 to Kirk & I have less than $30 to my name. Now I must go do the one shameful thing I'd hoped to avoid: I have to go and beg money from mom & dad. I'd better calculate enough extra cash in there for alcohol, because I suspect I'm going to need some. If anybody out there has any job leads or wants to give a donation, feel free. Perhaps I can somehow sell some of the filthy, crack-headed pan-handlers into bondage... thus killing two birds with one stone! They won't pester anybody and I can make some money... a perfect plan.